Where did I go?
Parenting, identity and finding
your way back to yourself

There is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes not from doing too much, but from giving so much of yourself for so long that you can no longer quite remember who you are outside of the role.

As a mother of four, I understand this from the inside. And in my work as a therapeutic coach, I hear some version of the same story again and again — from parents who have quietly, gradually, put themselves last until the moment they realise something has to change.

The moment something shifts

It often isn't a dramatic moment. It's a short fuse that surprises you. A flash of irritability with the children that leaves you wondering where the patient, fun parent went. It's catching yourself saying yes to everything for everyone else, and realising you genuinely can't remember the last time you said yes to yourself.

It might be a friend asking what you've been up to and discovering you have nothing to say that isn't about the children. Or the question that surfaces quietly late at night: when was the last time I did anything just for me?

These moments are not signs of failure. They are often the first honest signal that something needs attention — and that you deserve some of the care and energy you have been giving so freely to everyone else.

The gradual loss of self

Research consistently shows that parenthood brings a profound shift in identity — and that for many parents, particularly mothers, this shift can involve a gradual erosion of the self that existed before children. Researchers describe this as "role engulfment" — where the parental role expands to fill almost everything, leaving little room for other parts of who you are.

Most parents I work with describe this not as a single decision, but as something that crept up on them. They gave up the things they loved — the hobbies, the friendships, the time to simply think — bit by bit, with the best of intentions. And somewhere along the way, the spark dimmed. The things that used to bring them joy fell away. Their sense of who they were outside of being a parent became increasingly hard to locate.

It happens with the best of intentions. You love your children. You want to give them everything. But there is a cost to constantly putting yourself last — and over time, that cost accumulates.

Becoming a new parent — the identity shift nobody warns you about

For new parents, the identity shift can be particularly disorienting. Nothing quite prepares you for how completely your sense of self can change when you have a child. The person you were before — your routines, your freedom, your role in the world — changes overnight, often in ways that feel both wonderful and quietly destabilising.

Many new parents describe a kind of grief alongside the joy — for the life they had before, for the version of themselves they used to know, for the spontaneity and space that has disappeared. This is entirely normal, and it is important to say so. Feeling the weight of the transition does not mean you are not grateful. It means you are human.

The new parent identity takes time to form — and giving yourself space to explore who you are now, rather than measuring yourself against who you were before, can make a significant difference to how you navigate that first chapter.

The empty nest — and the question nobody warns you about either

At the other end of the parenting journey, there is a different but equally significant transition. When children leave home, many parents find themselves in unexpectedly unfamiliar territory.

Research suggests that a significant proportion of parents experience feelings of loss, grief and identity confusion when their children leave — with studies showing that over 60% of mothers report sadness and loss during this transition. The feelings can range from mild disorientation to a more profound sense of not knowing who you are or what your life is for now that the primary role that organised it has changed.

The questions that surface are often surprisingly deep. What is my purpose now? Who am I outside of being a parent? What do I actually want — for myself, not for them?

For parents who have built their identity heavily around the parenting role, the empty nest can feel like a loss of self as much as a practical change in circumstances. And it is worth saying that this experience is not gendered — while research often focuses on mothers, fathers too can struggle significantly with this transition, particularly those who feel they missed time with their children during the busy years of work and family life.

The other side of the transition — possibility

It is also worth saying — and research supports this — that the empty nest is not only loss. For many parents, once the initial adjustment settles, this period becomes one of the most freeing and satisfying of their lives. Time that was entirely organised around other people's needs becomes available again. Interests that were quietly set aside can be rediscovered. Relationships — with partners, with friends, with yourself — can deepen.

The challenge is navigating the transition itself — the period of uncertainty between the life you had and the life you are moving toward. That in-between space can feel uncomfortable and disorientating. But it is also where something new can begin to take shape.

What therapeutic coaching can offer

Whether you are a new parent navigating a profound identity shift, a parent in the thick of it who has quietly lost themselves, or someone facing an empty nest and wondering what comes next — therapeutic coaching can offer a genuinely valuable space.

Not advice. Not strategies for being a better parent. But a space that is entirely, unapologetically, just for you.

A space to explore who you are now. What you have perhaps quietly set aside that deserves to be picked back up. What the next chapter of your life could look like if you allowed yourself to think about it. What you actually need — not what everyone else needs from you.

In my experience, parents are often extraordinarily good at understanding and caring for others. Turning that same quality of attention toward themselves — with curiosity rather than guilt — can be genuinely transformative.

The work is not about going back to who you were before children. It is about taking the time to understand who you are now, and beginning to move forward with more intention and more of yourself intact.

A final thought

If you recognised yourself anywhere in this — the lost spark, the short fuse, the quiet question of what now, or the sense that your own needs have been at the bottom of the list for a very long time — you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you.

You are someone who has given a great deal. And you are allowed to give some of that back to yourself.

Taking a small step toward support is not selfish. It might be one of the most important things you do — for yourself, and for the people you love.